Don't be a such a chicken

This one is to all my friends who are afraid of food. Cooking it, that is. See, I have a hard time relating to you. I love food. I love cooking, baking, freezing, canning. I'm the person in the kitchen at 10pm making a cake from scratch because she feels like it. I'm the girl who meal plans, trying out a new recipe or two every week.

Having said that, I'm also the girl who fairly consistently sets off the smoke alarm, tends not to measure most of her ingredients resulting in salty cookies, and who drops the f-bomb regularly while in my kitchen.

So listen up all my friends who are afraid of their kitchen. You can do this. Set things on fire, forget the sugar sometimes, call those noodles mother fuckers when they come out in a big gooey mess. It happens. You'll make mistakes. I've been cooking/baking for the better part of 20 years and I still fuck up. Cut yourself some slack. 

But start please. I cannot tell you the immeasurable amount of pleasure I get from pulling that roast out of the oven. Or making "dump chicken" in the crockpot. Or smelling apple sauce cooking on the stove top. So read on dear friends. I'm going to ease you into this. 

Roast Chicken

1 whole chicken

salt and black pepper

1/2 lemon

1/2 onion
3 toes of garlic

1 sprig fresh rosemary

1 sprig fresh thyme

2 tbsp butter

1 cup white wine

2 carrots 

• Okay, deep breath, you can do this! 
• Preheat oven to 375 F. Take a roasting pan….wait! 
• Poor yourself a glass of wine. I like to cook slightly drunk. 
• Now, take a roasting pan, cut carrots in half (length wise) and place spaced apart in the bottom of the pan.
• Perfect! Breath, drink wine. 
• Now take your chicken (out of the package), wash the inside with cold water (please don't use soap…my sister did that once), allow to dry. 
• Next your going to season the inside cavity with salt and pepper. 
• Then you're going to shove the lemon, onion, rosemary, garlic and thyme up in to the cavity. 
• Please take a moment to wash your hands. 
• Drink wine. 
• Breath. Good job. 
• Place chicken on top of the carrots in the roasting pan. 
• Sprinkle with salt and pepper. 
• Drop both tbsp of butter on top of the chicken then pour the cup of wine overtop of everything. 
• Put it in the oven now. 
• Set your timer for 30min. 
• Drink more wine. 
• Baste chicken on occasion. 
• After 30min crank the oven up to 450 F and cook for another 25min. 
• Remove chicken from oven and allow to rest for 15min before carving. 

If you're worried about undercooking, take a small knife and poke the fat part of the thigh. If the juice runs clear, you're good.

The internal temperature should be 180 degrees Fahrenheit for this baby. 

And holy fuck! You just cooked a whole freaken chicken! Good job! Serve with whatever suits your fancy. Potatoes, rice, steamed veggies, or let cool and eat on a sandwich later. Who cares?! I'm just so proud of you right now.

Go, enjoy your chicken and wine. Try not to wake up with a hangover.